For your amusement:
Same girl as above, I’m wondering if the squinty eyes are genetic or if the fat has taken over so much of her face they’re starting to close up? Hmmm.
OMFG GaGa! We have the same nose! But does my triple chin impress you?
Sexy? I just threw up in my mouth a little, I hope they aren’t doing the same.
I’m starting to believe those rumours that Lady GaGa is a man…oh no wait, you’ve just stuck paper on your head.
Your parents must so proud…especially as theres a baby in that stomach.
I’m sorry but Hurley from Lost seems to have hi-jacked your photo.
Wheres your eyebrows and what is your lip doing?
BRB me and my dog are just taking a shit
There are some tragedies out there, which make the rest of us feel better about ourselves.
So you’ve followed ‘How to be a SIF’ (My last post), but now you’ve realized no one cares about your lardy arse, and you’ve looked in the mirror and thrown up all over your rolls in self-disgust.
The good news is after throwing up your 7 breakfasts from this morning you’re on the right track to being a self proclaimed E-Celeb and therefore bitched about on this lovely site.
Congratulations, you’ve acquired an eating disorder, the first step towards your goal. Arm yourself with a SLR Digital Camera and a parent willing to take provocative pictures of you in your underwear and follow these steps:
There are 3 main types of E-Celeb
The Whore, The Delusional and The Bitch.
Of course E-Celebs have all 3 properties in vast quantities; however each is known for one property more than the others.
Give yourself a fucktarded name, perhaps even steal the second name of a high profile celebrity. Everyone knows you’re not going to become E-famous if you’re called ‘Kirstin Ostrenga’. But lets face it, br00t4l names like ‘Milly Massacre’ are on the way out … don’t make yourself sound too much like a try-hard knob. Remember if you do choose the name of a celebrity, e.g. ‘Hilton’, try to claim some affinity and maybe even relation to the celebrity. Because if you get well known enough, nothing says ‘I’m an E-Celeb’ like Paris Hilton laughing/being scared of you.
Lie about your age.
It keeps an air of mystery, plus it either allows you to be ‘down with the kids’ or get into clubs depending which side of 18 you are. Plus if you end up in a tight spot where your nudes are posted all over the internet it makes it easier to get them taken off if you claim to be underage.
Jeffree Star seems to think he’s fooled everyone by pretending he’s still at the young age of 23….*cough cough* yeah sure.
Claim to be orginal/own everything
As an E Celeb you can never be too delusional. Kiki got reknowned for claiming she brought back/invented Stripes even though they were seen as far back as the 80’s and featured by Trevor Sorbie a year before she even considered putting them in her hair. Audrey Kitching is proof you can get far in the internet realms by stealing other people’s produce.
Carrying on from the last point, looking like a clown or bit of road kill is essential to appearing unique and getting people to talk about you … because as I will keep repeating, it doesn’t matter that you look like a stupid mug and act like an embarrassment to the human race, owing to the fact that at least people will talk about you for it.
Dakota Rose and Amor Hilton both used to be a bit on the plump side (I’m not saying they were really fat, just bigger) and now are stick thin. All of the main E-Celebs eat around 500 calories max per day whilst posing next to images of fast food (e.g. Audrey Kitching). Remember that all fat people (people who weigh over 120 pounds) are disgusting and refuse to associate with them, and if you must be in the same vicinity as them, only stand next to them to make yourself look even thinner. Kelli From Compton has her uses.
An awful and cheaply made but expensive clothing range.
Kiki & Dakota have some crap on their website that 13 year old girls for some reason queue up to buy. Amor Hilton used to have a ‘clothing range’ (if you can remember it…I looked for the link but its gone now), and now just sells her cheese smelling underwear (outerwear to her) to fund her meth habit. You can also try craigslist prostitution for more money to fund your existence whilst also causing controversy.
‘Haters make me famous’
Be a complete cunt to people and they will hate you and therefore bitch about you. That’s the model Kiki Kannibal used, and through being an annoying whiny bitch and her intolerance of anything that wasn’t herself, including all the ‘imitators’ she became infamous as a 1st class bitch. If you don’t want to have a reputation for being a bitch do a Brandon and make a series of ‘fan’ accounts to release your inner bitchiness on any ‘haters’.
Failed attempt at a music career
Tila Tequila, Raquel Reed, Geoffrey Paris, Amor Hilton, Brandon Hilton, Jeffree Star and soon Kiki…they’ve all at least tried…and pretty much failed epically. Brandon Hilton getting the most attention for being such a douchebag and claiming to have a nonexistent duet with GaGa who has no idea who he is. This isn’t a great way to get E-fame, it will tend to just make everyone /facepalm…but maybe one of your fat friends will take pity on you and have it as their profile song for an hour or too ;].
E-dating, and general whoring about
I’ve personally lost count of the herpes infested messes that Amor has dated/given hollywood handjobs to. But we all remember which infested rapist she was made E-Famous for dating and getting knocked up by. Similarly I’d never heard of the dirty failure that is Jake Wolf until the whole Amor/Kiki thing. If you’re a SIF and still haven’t made it to the toilet to throw up, just stick to the angles and E-Dating…Kevin Kemo is desperate and available. If you’re a guy, its probably best to also check they’re awake/their ID before you get down and dirty with your scene girlfriend.
Bad Piercings / Tatts
Get some piercings and tattoos that will prevent you from having any chance of a reputable career in the future. The key is as many piercings as possible and the tackiest tattoos available. Don’t worry, no one will laugh at your misspelt chest piece, all your online 16 year old friends will totally think its cool. You can also highlight how awful your piercings are by slapping on matching clown-like makeup.
A combination of these properties should lead to you becoming a complete LOLcow, and therefore people will laugh at you, and the more people that rip the piss out of you, the more you’re talked about.
If there’s anything I’ve missed out, comment it.
(And yes, I’m trying to distract myself from doing Course Work atm.)
After you’ve eaten your 5 pies for breakfast and cried into a box of Krispy Kremes by 11am, you may decide seek solace in the internet. Because lets face it, you can’t fit through the front door let alone manage to get your many rolls out of your desk chair. So what do you do? You join Myspace/Facebook/Buzznet etc…
The problem is, once you’ve done that, you still wont have many more online friends than your IRL ‘friends’ (who probably only hang out with you to make themselves appear more attractive standing next to you). The hard truth is that unless they’re a weirdo fetish feeder, no one likes fatties.
The way around this is to embrace the many clever tactics used by the SIF.
Photoshop, Angles and Cropping will now be your new best friends.
Take a page out of Amor Hiltons Photoshopping guide, yeah she’s not fat, but she’s got the body dismorphia of a 20st heffer. Liquify is your new secret weapon. Maybe you could even photoshop in an interesting background like this girl or Chloe Cowlishaw to distract the observer from you shit use of blur and liquify and your over zestful use of the burn tool.
Fat Girl Angle Shot
Take the photo from above, it’ll help mask your many chins and make you face look more slender. Below you see the same girl without the classic angle…(due to the fact this photo was taken by a thin person)
Zoom in on your face to cut out those damn thunder things and Michelin Man stomach of yours.
Pear Chan has it down to a T:
Remember when all else fails, photoshop/ms paint your photo with stupid colours that will blind anyone who looks at it and distract them from you fatness.
A final top tip, combine all with the darkness, and its perfect….people can see less rolls in the dark! (same girl as above)
Now go whore yourself silly, and imagine your 20k friends believe your obvious lie, whilst you sit back in your chafing underwear scoffing Doritos and drinking gallons of Coca Cola.
‘Shonah & Sian’
The brunnette was mildly socially acceptable, its the blonde that looks like shes been hit in the face by a bus.
PS I have no idea who the random fat girl is….but I’m sure it would be lulz to find out.
WTF IS THIS?
Note the Playboy Tattoo.
We’ve all heard of the old news and British slut bag that is Killed Hannah, who frankly makes Amor Hilton smell like a bed of roses (without the manure) and look fine and classy.
I was honestly sceptical that I could find anything worse than this badly tattooed and mutilated trampy child….until I stumbled across this slut on facebook. ‘Elizabeth Minto-Das’…a 15/6 year old girl whos a mess and parades the fact shes a drunk slut all over her facebook.
In her old pictures she looks like some mutant lovechild sporned by the fucked up eggs of Amor and Hannah, and perhaps the added jizz of the raping pedo that is John Hock.
She has fucked up her face with about a million piercings, perhaps shed be able to make a bit of cash in order to buy some class by selling her whole face to Cash4Gold. And she’s got that hideously steriotypical tattoo of a swallow on her chest, as well as 34mm plus, all at the grand age of 15. Shes part Indian part Thai, yet she covers it up with shovelled on pale foundation because shes so self conscious about her race. May I ask…WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR PARENTS?
As someone said before, I dont think the UKs got the memo that its not socially acceptable to dress like mutated retards anymore. Most of the posts on her Formspring back up the fact that she is a nasty person and a whore who shovels on white makeup.
Its fucking embarassing!
PS…just found this old picture of her, shes gorgeous under all of it…but WTF SHES SO BROWN…I cant believe its the same girl!
Beccabae, aka Pearchan… well known on 4chan for her pretty face
and her exemplary use of cropping and fat girl angle shot.
click here for more info, pictures i probably cant post of her naked, and links to her myspace
I was trolling this kids facebook recently, and I saw this link.
So apparently Amor thinks this twat looks like Ian Vuitton, her dead BFF
and therefore as any normal person would, finds the ‘look-a-like’ of her dead gay best friend, attractive.
Regardless, their photoshop skills are well matched.
I like the fact that he actually thinks he has some sort of chance.